Monday, June 9, 2008

Why New York City (more specifically Manhattan) is a Rift in the Time Warp Continuum, or, My Life in a Parallel Universe

While standing in line at McDonald's of of the 125th street stop and trying to make sense of why I was only paying $17.49 for my lunch which was of course way too little it dawned on me...we have left that place called is why:

--It is an island without shores and the only way in is over a multi-layered bridges or through a series of tunnels that make your ears pop--and by the flow of traffic it would appear we are entering a spiraling magnetic vortex...rumor is there may be a worm hole somewhere under the 42nd street tunnel-ways between Grand Central, Times Square, and the Port Authority Bus Station, for no matter where you are, all paths lead to 42nd Street.

--Traffic laws are mostly optional--stopping and parking is possible anytime, anywhere as long as the hazard lights are on and the gargantuan clumping humanoid life forms on the street appear to have built up a frightening resistance, emanating a repellent force field to all moving vehicles.

--Due to the density of vertical growth, all Manhattan spaces have been altered by the gravitational pull of the gas giant Jupiter, causing all living and working to be accommodated within tall and narrow dwellings and anything above 600 square feet is considered an anomaly not yet altered by the rotating vortex.

-- Upon entering the vortex, it is observed that climate changes occur independent of the supposed placement of the island along the Northeast coast of the US--the rapid changes in wind direction, temperature, the general resistance to alignment with bordering temperatures (the summer's hot winds and the resistance to snow bespeaks a close affinity with neighboring planet Venus depending on the current revolution) and the absence of terrestrial seasonal life forms such as mosquitoes and anything that does not subsist on artificial waste demonstrates the existence within an alternate plane.

-- It is difficult to say if those who have dwelt on the island for more than a few years are aware of the existence of outside life--though mostly kind, they are generally neurotic and thrive off of the perpetual motion within the vortex, causing an inevitable dependance on all things Dunkin' Donuts, varying mutations of street meats and sushis, and an unusual affinity for small canine species that are treated either as children or independently mobile appendages.

--The vortex appears to draw innumerable crowds with its sparkling anomallies--and once inside...

-- The opposing forces of Actors/Fine Artists vs. the Investors/Lawyers/Accountants are largely responsible for maintining the lateral rotation of the vortex, allowing the island to resist complete vertical integration into the outer reaches of space.

--The vertical pull on existing space also causes the prices to creep higher and the pressure on the brain caused by the vertical pull of the outlying planets combined with the centrifugal force of the artists vs. the money changers convinces all inside that there is absolutely no other way but to pay, and usually it is through the nose.

--Air Conditioning and wheelchair/stroller accessibility appear not to have entered the uber modern Vortex of Manhattan--but they sure know how to put up scaffolding absolutely everywhere--it seems to be the latest form of installation art for all those humanoids who never made it off the construction team and into their gallery space on earth.


Tammy Lorna said...

Hahaha! As I was reading this I thought 'definately written by Justin' - and it was :)

Your analogies are lots of fun Justers! Are you taking a SciFi class at the moment or something?!

;) Tammy

Justin said...

Tammers--I am actually considering writing a sci-fi script next--who knows, I am supposed to come to class in the fall with a treatment of some kind and I have been brainstorming--I need to send you my first feature to get your thoughts! Coming soon...:)

Jessica said...

please please please do not do anything that remotely resembles 2001: Space Odyssey!

Tammy Lorna said...

Yes yes Justin - send it on!