Friday, August 19, 2011

In which I thought I was pregnant but realized I'm just lonley

We aren't planning on number three yet, just to clear that up. I'm not one of those people who get's pregnant without lots of charts, and planning, so while we aren't doing anything to prevent it, we aren't planning on it.

The day after my parents left, and Justin got back, he went to work as normal, even though he had been gone all week, and had 30 hours of over time all ready built up. So, I figured I would force the boys and myself back into our regular routine. To story time we went.

I love story time. It's free. It's two hours where my boys can't make a mess in my house, and I don't have to entertain them, or feel bad that I let them watch Yo Gabba Gabba over and over. We go to book babies and the preschool story times. In between we pick out our books, and then we check them out after ward.

After story time ended, I had my bag ready to check out, but it was the last time we could get a stamp in Reuben's summer reading passport, and we needed to enter in the grand prize drawing for both Reuben and Simeon, so we waited around for the librarian to get to the desk. We looked at more books. We looked at a book for me in the the shelves of non-children's books.

The boys got restless, and went out to the main isle, while I was in the shelf isle. Simeon's shoe came off, he started to cry. Reuben was laughing at how Simeon was trying to fix his shoe.
Simeon hadn't been crying long, when I hear this lady yelling at my kids. "This is a Library! You need to stop acting like this! Do you act like this every where you go?!" yelling. I could see my kids and her, but she was too involved with yelling at my boys to notice me. Reuben just stared at me. I walked up to them, said, "excuse me," in a your-out-of-line type of way, but so that she could interpret it like I was asking to be excused, then fixed Simeon's shoe.

Well, she had upset my children more than the shoe did. Reuben was doe eyed, and Simeon would not stop crying. We went over to the children librarian desk. I was ready to stamp the passport myself, and just not tell the boys we didn't enter the drawing for the prizes which they had been looking at for the last three months twice a week, when finally someone came over. Then some girl butted in line and she wasn't some 5 year old girl, she was some 20 year old girl.

I put Simeon down, so I could help with Reuben at the desk, and another librarian came over and asked if I knew who the crying baby belonged to. "He's mine, sorry I can't get him to stop." I said. "We are getting some complaints, he's just so loud." Well, he wouldn't be so loud if that psycho lady would have let me fix his shoe before she started yelling at my kids.I wanted to say.

Now, in order for you to feel like I'm justified I need you to know that this is a small library, and most of it is children's books. The place is 3/4 children's books and 1/8 young adult. So, really while I do understand that you are supposed to be quite in a library this library isn't really for those people who go to read or study, and it was noon so adults should be at work.

Reuben was almost done with his passport thing, and I started to cry as I realized that Simeon was not going to stop crying. As I emptied our book back onto the counter. Reuben, panicked asked what I was doing, because it wasn't the check out counter. I said, that we wouldn't be able to check out any books because I couldn't get Simeon to stop crying. Reuben's heart break displayed on his face, which made me cry harder.

I am not a crier.

The librarian who brought the complaint felt bad for us, and checked the books out for us, while Simeon and I cried. (me silently, and Simeon not so.) We made a b-line for the door, not entering in the drawing after all. We walked down the ramp to the car. Reuben was so confused. I cry so little, and of that hardly ever in front of Reuben. He asked why, and I told him, I was having a hard day.

Our "High, Low, What do you know" for the night was low: Mommy crying. From both Reuben and Me.

As I think about it now it seems so silly that I would cry. Really, I didn't feel bad that my BABY was crying in a mostly children's library. I've had people approach my children and make me mad before, I lived in New York City where that happens a lot and never cried. I know I had done everything I could to get Simeon to stop crying so I wasn't feeling guilty. So that left pregnant. Which would be financially terrifying, but not such a bad thing, Simeon is going to be two soon.

Then I realized, the Library and Zoo have been my "getting out" and if you take away the library that leaves the zoo, and the zoo is too hot in 90 degree weather, and I am less likely to run into so someone I could talk to at the zoo. I'm so lonely! And seeing Reuben lonely makes me even lonely. It's like when we first got married, and I was shocked at how lonely I was because I totally didn't expect to be that lonely, I was going to be living with my best friend after all. But, I went from three best friend roommates, to a husband who was never home when I was. From a ward where I had a few friends to a ward that didn't want us because we were newly weds, and renting, but didn't have a car to drive the 5 miles to get to the BYU ward meetinghouse. While I have gotten used to being lonely because I am married (7 years will do that to you), I didn't expect to move back to Utah and be so lonely. But, I am.

I'm trying, in my Brecken way, to break into the ward. I think I might have a chance now that I am the co-music leader in the primary (people who accept primary callings usually are the type that like me.) I tried to start a mommy's group, which ended up me sitting in the park by myself watching my boys play. (Darn those back yards!) but I did get a zoo trip with another mom out of that. I joined the Calligrapher's Guild, but they have been on summer vacation. My sisters are busy being single, and trying to find boy friends. I do get to go to family dinner on Sundays which is nice.

New York spoiled me with their free child friendly activities, and air conditioned sections of the zoo. Once I quit my job and was able to go to playgroup, and take piano lessons and then sit and talk while our kids played, and get invited to girl's nights, or have a book club, and a cooking group, or leave our kids sleeping and go with our baby monitor to another apartment on the same floor to play games. I bet if I had never experienced that I wouldn't be so lonely now. I bet what I am living now is "normal life" that thing I was wishing for while pushing our granny cart full of groceries up that horrible hill.

And now, I'm awake at one am feeling sorry for myself because I didn't take a sleeping pill so I could fall asleep tonight because Justin is in the Dominican Republic and I am even more lonely than usual lonely. And no one is even going to read this because it is too long.

Tomorrow I am going grocery shopping, making a pretty cake, and going to Hagarman's or Zupa's to pick up some dinner and taking my boys to a barber shop concert in the park. It's hard to be sad and listen to barbershop music at the same time, even if I am there alone with my boys. If I make it through tomorrow, that will leave four more days on my own--then I can get back to regular lonely instead of my husband is out of the country lonely.


Morgan said...

i read it brecken! i am so sorry that you feel lonely. nate was in mexico last week, and i had nights like that. especially when you have a bad day, then your kids go to sleep, and you just feel so alone. i hope tomorrow is better. and it's true, you really can't be sad when listening to barbershop music. it always reminds me of my dad! :)

Rachel said...

Oh, Breckster, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time! I think things will get better, but I know how hard it is to be lonely, and I hate that you're having to feel that way. I like your plan for today, and I hope it cheers you right up. And because you're not pregnant, maybe you should go to Michael's or Robert's Crafts because a new project (and we all know you can make anything) is a lot less expensive than a baby, and creating always makes me feel beter. Sending my love, prayers, and good vibes your way!

Michael and Natalie said...

Girl no one hated New York more than we did, but I feel you! Can I tell you what I do to make myself feel better about being alone in LA? I remember this one time when we first moved to NY and I was in a skirt with Michael at a bus stop on I think like 93rd and Broadway. I don't think I have ever been so cold for so long in my life. The memory is burned into my mind. Every time the icy wind would blow up my skirt was agony. And that stupid bus would.not.come. And then I think about how hot I would be when I left my apartment to walk to the smelly subway all the months when it wasn't freezing, and how hard it was to buy groceries. It helps me feel a little better when no one will start a book club with me in my own ward and Olive only has 1 little friend her age. I know it's tough, and while I don't miss NY, I really miss my friends...

Dani said...

love you, Brecken. I hope things get better soon.

The King's said...

We should get together sometime. Even though I work 3 days a week, I have other time and you know my hubby is gone a lot!

Tara said...

Sniff. Miss you too!!