Saturday, September 12, 2009

Enough Love

BrothersWhile I was still in the waiting and wishing stage,I was asked if I started questioning how I would have enough love for a second child. I thought it an odd question, mostly because I wasn't to the stage of thinking about bringing a baby home, still in my head there was a possibility of coming home empty handed. And also, the only thing that came naturally with Reuben's birth was the love. Labor was hard, recovery was harder, breastfeeding was a huge challenge, sleep was non-existent, even going to the bathroom had turned into this difficult, painful ordeal, I never thought I'd successfully change, bathe, or dress a baby (partly because I was in so much pain, and partly because its hard. But the love, the love came naturally. The one thing out of every thing in that whirlwind of change that came natural was the love.

So, naturally I never questioned the love aspect of having a second baby. And when I was finally convinced that I would be coming home with a baby, I questioned my ability to have energy for two, but never love. With Simeon I am happy to say that there is a much longer list of things coming naturally, and the love it is still natural.

The thing that surprises me is the increase of love I have for Reuben. I'm the oldest, so I know what its like to be the "test-child." I was always felt pretty good about the mistakes we were making and how quickly we were able to find remedies. But, when Simeon latched on and I heard him gulping, my love for Reuben exploded. When Reuben makes compromises by leaning on my shoulder while I'm nursing Simeon instead of taking his usual (rightful) place on my lap my love for Reuben explodes.

It was devastating to have Reuben's first meeting of his baby brother in that stress-filled tiny room with another family on the other side of the curtain. But, my love for Reuben exploded when I saw him so eager to give Simeon the frog he got from the dentist. His kind voice, his loving attention, his questions, his desires for Simeon to respond to him, I wished I could watch it all day long (just not in that cramped little space).

I missed Reuben my last night, and since I didn't have a roommate from 5 PM to 4 AM I just kept wishing that I could have my husband and son there, but then I fell asleep (miracle of miracles).

Venturing out into the city was terrifying. Even just leaving the recovery floor to go down and wait for my dad to come pick us up. I saw all those people, all their germs, and my sweet little new baby. The thing that kept me going was the thought of seeing my Reuben. We made it home, and sure enough my heart spilled over with joy to see Reuben, to hear him tell me he missed me, was glad I was home.

I can see the love he has for me, for Justin, and for Simeon. Love comes naturally to him. So, while my heart breaks a little that so many things were so hard for me to do for Reuben, that are now just easy-peasy with Simeon. I know Reuben will love me despite the fact that he was starving to death the first two weeks of his life. I know Reuben will love Simeon despite the fact that I am much more prepared for these first few weeks of life, because Reuben suffered so through his.

Big Brother Gift

7 comments:

Sandy M. said...

I was once asked if I thought it was fair to have so many children (back when we had four!), since I couldn't possibly give them all as much of myself as I could give them if I only had one or two.. I thought about it for a day or two, then realized that not only did I had unbounded love for them all - they also gave each other so much love!
I agree with you about the joy of watching your children be together with each other. And as always, Heavenly Father is the pattern - I'm glad that he didn't stick to just one or two! When there's love at home, every child can feel it. It doesn't need to be divided; it seems to multiply instead. :)
xo

emilysuze said...

What lovely things both you and the Aussie-mum have said about having multiple children. Seeing your two boys make me start feeling those little nigglings that our family is not quite complete and now I have a small inkling of how hard it must have been to be supportive of me and the many, many posts about the new baby. I think it's absolutely amazing and wonderful that R taught you so many things so that you would be ready for S--that's a great big brother right there. Congratulations again and enjoy all of the sweet moments with your three boys.

Tammy Lorna said...

I'm only a mother-wanna-be, so I haven't got any beautiful stories of my own to share with you. Wish I did! So thank you for sharing yours with me Brecken. I love both of your boys (and can't wait to meet Simeon one day), but I suspect Rebuen will probably always have that special spot in my heart. God-mothers are allowed to feel that way :)

Love the photo of Simeon with his green frog/brothers love.

xo Tammy

Dani Grigg said...

this is good to know! thanks.

The Kirsch Family said...

Brecken,
I was sooooo touched by your blog, and it's not just because I'm three months pregnant and hormonal!!!
I'm very anxious about how my life will change and just what to expect on this crazy journey, but it's really comforting to read your blog.
Love, Marta

charrette said...

I remember those exact feeling like they were yesterday: Can I possibly love another baby as much as I love this first one? How will there be room in my heart? But then the miracle of motherhood happens, and your heart stretches just like the rest of you stretches, and suddenly you love not only your new baby and your firstborn, but somehow your love for your husband grows too! It defies all mathematics. But it works. Every time.

Mary E Heaps said...

What beautiful feelings and thoughts you express. Truly an inspiration. I just pray that you and your little family will be blessed, as I can see you are. Maybe because I'm expecting my second in May, I was very affected when I read your words. Thank you.