Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Confession: Fear to Connect

Everything with Simeon looks normal, all blood tests, all sonograms (including a half hour dedicated to his heart). The exact words about his heart were, "No reason to worry if there is something wrong it will be easily fixed otherwise we would have seen the problem." He is a very good kicker, he is not afraid to make his presence known, and when its been a few hours I whip out the heart monitor. I don't fit in my regular pants anymore, and all my regular shirts have turned into midriff shower-offers. As of right now I am 21 weeks and 6 days along.

And my confession is: I'm afraid to connect. I'm not sure if this is due to second-child syndrome, or post-miscarriage terrifiedness.

I haven't opened "What to expect when you are expecting" --I read that thing daily while I was pregnant with Reuben. I don't sit and day dream about holding him when he is here--that was my favorite thing to do when I was pregnant with Reuben. I have to force myself to read the labor preparation books--I didn't read anything but pregnancy and labor books when I was pregnant with Reuben. When I talk about the pregnancy I don't use his name to keep him a fetus instead of my baby.

The strange thing is I was too dictated by the feeling that our family wasn't complete all those months we weren't pregnant. That feeling is gone now, thank goodness. That incomplete feeling was overwhelming, it lead to feelings of fear, frustration, mistrust of God, anger at the unfairness of who can get pregnant and who can't. Wouldn't it be fair to be as dictated by the feeling that our family is well on its way to being complete (for the time being), especially when every doctor's appointment confirms that all is well, that there is no threat beyond normal pregnancy.

I'm even healthier than I was with Reuben, my blood pressure has been normal, and my feet aren't swollen to the size of watermelons, and I don't have constant headaches.

Maybe its time I start a project for Simeon. Or, maybe its time I be extremely interested in his development. Or, maybe its okay, and this feeling of disconnectedness will disappear once I hold this baby that kicks up a storm and looks perfectly healthy.


Sandy M. said...

Trust yourself. You're going to be completely fine :) I really mean it.

I have had two miscarriages and thought I was fine after the first one, until I fell apart a few days later and howled my heart out for hours. There is so much more grief than you would imagine, or than seems sensible, and you've been carrying that inside you. It's ok, and completely normal for you to feel scared now.

But it's really going to be ok! :) You already love him more than you realize too. You're doing great. You can trust yourself.

Rachel said...

Maybe you could make Simeon some kind of bag for toting his soccer gear later. :)

Steve & Margaret said...

I think some of that is second-baby, too. Closer to my due date, I cried for days trying to deal with the fact that it wouldn't just be me and Adam at home. Of course, after we had Nicole, I can't imagine life without her, but it's always a leap of faith to believe that your heart can expand that much... again.
And not being in Utah made a huge difference with not swelling, etc. My Dr. thought it was the elevation.
Anyway, I'm glad all is going well! I'm so happy for you!

Michael and Natalie said...

Brecken I didn't "connect" to Olive until she was 3 months old. More specifically, I didn't really even connect to or believe that I was going to give birth to an actual human being until I was 28 weeks along. That's because that was the week number most babies can be born and survive outside the womb. I think it had everything to do with my miscarriage. Just hang in there. Simeon will continue growing regardless of what books you do or don't read. You're a pro and will be fine. Focus on labor prep and on NOT stressing about how you're feeling.