Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Truth Is

I'm having a hard time thinking of things to post right now because all I can seem to think about is the fact that if I hadn't miscarried 6 months ago, we would be having a baby anytime now.

Its surreal.

I had convinced myself that it was okay, that I didn't need to be saddened, that it was natural, that there is a plan, and that it didn't mean that Reuben will be an only child.

But, now we have more than enough room, and Reuben can walk 15 blocks and that is really as far as I need to go, so having a baby in the stroller wouldn't be that bad. He is on the verge of being potty trained so we wouldn't have two in diapers.

Will it go back to just being a little thing to frown about after the due date passes. Do I have to wait until I'm pregnant again? I really thought the brunt of the pain had passed in the few weeks following the miscarriage, but its all back again.


Talyn said...

I was pregnant again by the time the first due date rolled around, but it still hurt when it did. You can't replace a baby with a baby, and it looks like you can't even replace a pregnancy with a pregnancy. Every one is different. I'm sorry it hurts. You're not alone in that feeling of loss again, several months later. I promise you will be happy again, but for now, you can know that you're not alone.

Tammy Lorna said...

Talyn said it all much more beautifully than I could, but know I love you and often have you in my prayers. The only upside to pains of the heart that I've really discovered is a greater capacity for empathy - and though I wish you didn't have to have the pain, I think that blessing's an important one. I loved Elder Worthlin's talk about the law of compensation - it was a beautiful principle and one that i didn't really understand before. It's wonderful to me to know that you and Justin will be compensated for that exact and particular loss. Loving you lots,
xo Tammy

Jessica said...

I'm sorry you have to go through all this. Hang in there.

The Jones :) said...

I'm sorry Phatty...I hope things happen soon...(if you're trying)...and that you'll be able to bring another little bundle of joy into your family!! You deserve it...but if you ask my right can take all my pregnancy issues and problems!! This one has been rough...but I don't want you to think I don't want this baby any's just been my challenge I guess. You're in my thoughts and prayers!!
Love you

Kimberley Griffiths Little said...

Brecken, I'm so sorry. I know just what you're going through because it happened to me. I lost a baby at 4 months along in a very scary *birth*, hemorraghing, rushed to the hospital, etc. and when the due date came I started having very weird and scary symptoms. It was like my body wanted to still *have a baby* and I had some really difficult mental repercussions and depression for about a year. It turned out I was suffering post-traumatic stress syndrome. Yes, it's a very surreal experience. If you're worried about anything or having strange physical symptoms (such as chest pains, a feeling of mental darkness, crying, unexplainable sadness, panic attacks) TALK TO JUSTIN and perhaps go to a doctor. One thing I did not do was talk to Rusty enough and it made the depression that much worse and it lasted longer. People just kept telling me I would have another baby and I should appreciate my health. I never allowed myself to really grieve. Finally I went to see a psychologist and got help. It was one of the worst years of my life.

This happened after Adam, I was only 30, and I never could get pregnant again. The loss has always stayed with me, and I don't want to see you go through what we did.

Mindy said...

I'm sorry. I don't have any advice, either. Looks like the friends you have are a good support system already. Just know that I'm thinking about you.

Jed and Kate said...

I think there will always be a little sadness in your heart for your miscarriage, but it will certainly lessen and lessen as time passes. It is completely normal for you to be revisiting the pain you first felt, now that it is close to the due date.

When I worked as an adoption counselor many of my birthmothers would go through this same thing around the anniversary of their child's adoption and birthday. If they tried to ignore it or keep it silent, it was always harder to endure and took longer for them to move forward.

Grief is something that you cannot just get over or get around. You have to go through it--you have to let yourself feel those feelings and express them in some way. As you do that your burden will become lighter and lighter.

One thing that helped me after my miscarriage was to mark the event somehow. It sounds weird, but Jed and I went out to a special dinner just to acknowledge that something significant had ocurred. I may have told you that already, but it could be a good idea for you to do something like that now. You could even just have a special candle lit for your baby on your due date, or release a ballon in the baby's honor/memory. By marking the event somehow you are saying, this is real, this happened to me, and in remembering it, I can grow stronger and move forward.

However you choose to deal with it, just know that it is normal, it does get better, and you do have people that love and care about you. I know you'll be just fine and will keep you in my thoughts & prayers.

Michael and Natalie said...

I really echo what Kate has said. I know you know that I've been going through a really hard time recently. All going through it I've been so angry with myself because I had a healthy baby and a good husband and truly I couldn't find a single "good" reason to feel sad or depressed. Then I realized it's not about that. Sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves with what we think we are supposed to be experiencing. You know, the "I SHOULD be over this by now". I think these feelings can snowball. I found that no matter how I rationalized with myself that the situation I was in didn't warrant the feelings I was having, at best I could experience a temporary cessation of my sad feelings. I think I really crossed a bridge when I decided to stop putting pressure on myself. Feel sad, feel as sad for as long as you want to or need to. Do not feel more upset because you have felt sad for the fifth day in a row and you thought you were "over" it. When I felt the worst I would remind myself that things will of course get better. I would think about some future situation when I knew I would be happy-in my case it was when Olive would be older and more predictable in her behavior. Thinking about the future helped me deal with my feelings of sadness. Kate's right-just embrace your feelings, mark them, do not feel guilty for them. The mind, heart, and spirit are amazing things. So is Heavenly Father. When you allow those four things to work together you can be really amazed at what they accomplish. If you do feel overwhelmed or like things are simply too much, there are always mental health professionals there to help. I know that if my insurance covered a therapist I would've been there so fast. I'm not totally over my feelings, but they have morphed into something a lot more manageable. Not being scared of feeling sad sometimes helps too.